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5 Food-Related Penis Euphemisms That No One Needs to Hear, Ever

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Monday, R. Kelly released a new single simply titled “Cookie.” R. Kelly being R. Kelly, “Cookie” refers to the female genitalia – specifically, R.Kelly calls it an Oreo, and we all know what most people do with an Oreo. Even for fans of female-oriented oral sex, sometimes you just want your chocolate cookie to be a chocolate cookie, right? But for all of the ladypart analogies, nicknamers of the penis have been using food metaphors for centuries. Yes, centuries, stretching back to at least the 1500s when “pudding prick” came into vogue.

If you think “Cookie” is bad, consider these five food-related penis metaphors that also need to be thrown swiftly into the trash compactor. (See? It’s already getting painful.)

Personified Luncheon Meats

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No one wants to hang out with “Mr. Salami.” Not only am I now picturing the weird guy who works the counter at my corner deli who’s definitely scratched below the belt when he thought no one was looking, I’m also imaging a hunk of speckled meat with googly eyes and quite possibly a mustache. I’m not ordering that off any menu.

Calling it “Meat” in General, Really

radioshack_hot_dogMan Meat, Meat Puppet, Meat Stick, Meat Beats-Audio-Speakers. None of this makes anyone want to get down. So what’s the beef? Mostly, it’s just lazy. Couldn’t you up the ante a bit? I mean, hell, give us the old Bratwurst line. Try out the Hebrew National. Borrow Full Metal Jacket’s Alabama Tube Steak. The name of the game is creativity, and slapping “meat” alongside something vaguely phallic is like you’re not even trying.

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Kosher Pickle

A months-long vinegar bath; that signature putrid green color; the strange bumps all over the former cucumber’s skin: are you turned on yet? Add to that, the fact that literally every person who’s ever ordered a sandwich has received one and tossed it aside. None of these are things you want associated with your littler you.

The Lobster

812lobster.142182414_stdStrangely enough this is constantly on lists of penis euphemisms. Are we talking about the kind of lobster that’s a dead fish walking while snapping around in a tank? Or one that’s just been steamed up to that perfect shade of red? Actually, you know what, neither version is really doing it for me. The thought of claws, dead or alive, coming towards me in any sexual fashion is quickly generating a very specific and unpleasant genre of nightmare. Also, lobsters are like cousins of crabs. Yeah. Crabs.

Eggplant Emoji

e34aFirst of all: yes, I’ve really seen this happen in real life. Second of all: it was the exact opposite of sexy. If you really need an Emoji to sext, you should probably get better at sexting. But until that happens, maybe use one that actually makes someone want to get near your penis instead of making them furrow their brow and wonder “Ew, why is it so purple?” Acceptable, far more effective replacements include the Emoji Banana and the Emoji Corn on the Cob. Hell, even the turkey leg would be preferable at this point and if we’re doing penis food analogies, you might as well go big, or go home. Or on second thought, just go home.

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