A Response To Vice’s Anti-Anal Sex Manifesto (From A Girl Who’s Done It)

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Vice’s Mary-Ann Banal (that must be a pen name) presents her case as to why women should never shove “sticks of meat up their poomakers.” I’m all for talking openly about the pros and cons of anal sex. The only problem is, I can’t tell whether Mary-Ann has actually taken it up the butt or not. She references the Internet, friends’ experiences, etc. — but never her own. After reading the article carefully, I suspect she has not had a meat stick in her poomaker as some of the things she says are straight up false, even ignorant. As a woman who has taken it in the backdoor with two different partners, I feel the need to honestly and truthfully address each of her anti-anal arguments. My ass sex assessments below. (Naturally, this topic may be NSFW, so proceed with caution.)

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Claim #1: It feels like s**ting backwards.

TRUE. It does feel kind of like taking a dump in reverse. There were times when this felt good to me, at other times, it just felt weird. A couple of times when I wasn’t really into it, it felt uncomfortable. The more relaxed I was, the better it felt. My enjoyment of it also seemed to correlate with how in love I was. How female of me.

Claim #2: Your backdoor will stay broken for a while.

FALSE. “Capacity at the butt party will very soon be reached and, tired of being knocked on constantly, your backdoor will break,” she says. Ugh. No. I will say that the two penises which entered my backdoor were not particularly large. However, if you have ever taken a HUGE dump, you know that your asshole stretches. According to a “quick internet search,” Mary-Ann informs us that after anal your butt stays broken for nine days.

Nine days? That’s more than a week! Maybe this is a scientifically sound fact. I did a quick internet search myself and I found three different sources, which give three different figures on post-anal sex healing time. Each source says something different. The stats range from two days to a week according to my research. The important thing to know is that my butt never took any days to heal. After a particularly long anal session, my ass felt a little weird the next day at work. But I wasn’t walking funny or anything. It was no different than if I had spent the previous night f**king. Nine days later, my butt didn’t even remember the incident.

Claim #3: You shit cum.

TRUE. Well, kind of. I only had anal sex without a condom once when I was in a very serious and committed relationship. I don’t think I would ever do that again, just because of the possible risks. But since I have, I will say that my ass did not “leak” as the author’s friend’s supposedly did. I went to the bathroom shortly after my boyfriend came inside me and his cum came out when I wiped. It happened the next time I went to the bathroom later that day. That was it. There was no cum leaking in my underwear. And if you use a condom, Mary-Ann insists that you’ll feel like you constantly need to crap. That didn’t happen to me either. The first poop after anal sex felt a little wonky. But after that, everything went back to normal.

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Claim #4: It’s a perverse power game.

FALSE. Not unless that’s the kind of thing that gets you and your partner off. Otherwise, it’s just another facet of your sex life.

Claim #5: It lacks spontaneity.

TRUE. It does require some planning. There’s lots of lube needed. And condoms. And you can’t use the condom in the ass that you used in the vagina because that’s unhygienic. You have to make sure the penis is appropriately hard at the moment that the anus is relaxed. It takes some serious coordination. You’re lucky if you and your partner can get it together. That’s the main reason why I’ve only done it with two people. It’s a lot of work. And it can be messy. I have gotten poop on a condom before and almost died of shame. Luckily my BF was nice about it. But if you are going to attempt it, you want to make sure you feel really, really comfortable with the person because it can be extremely awkward.

Claim #6: The guy will struggle to remember your main funhole.

FALSE. Blatantly untrue. Unless he is gay and hasn’t realized it yet, he will never lose interest in vagina. Even when my boyfriends and I introduced anal into our sexual repertoires, we still had regular P in V sex far more often.

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Claim #7: Boys don’t like it that much either.

FALSE … I THINK. This is based on something Mary-Ann’s boyfriend said to her once that she doesn’t really remember. So, it’s hard to take seriously. I think this really depends on the guy. Some are into anal and some aren’t. And just like any other sexual experience, sometimes it’s pleasant and sometimes it’s unpleasant. The end.

This post originally appeared on The Frisky.

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