Editor’s note: In case you missed them, catch up on Nikki’s previous Dating Diaries posts here.
It wasn’t so very long ago that I was complaining about how first dates are too much work. Well, it’s been two months and guess what? No first dates. Be careful what you wish for, as they say.
This is by no means the longest stretch of dating dry spell I’ve endured in my life. Try being an undesirable dork for four years of high school and then we’ll talk. But these past few months have been long enough for me to start to wonder — what does kissing feel like? What is love? Is sex like riding a bike — you never forget how to do it?
I’ve known for a long time that sometimes being single means being alone more than it means dating anyone and everyone you want. I’m not technically alone anyway, I have my friends and family, and usually I actually need that me-time to stay sane. But I guess right now, a bunch of different forces in my life are colliding to make me feel lonely for the first time in a while.
It’s the kind of lonely that makes me feel a little ostracized from the people who would otherwise not make me feel lonely. If I’m in my apartment, feeling kind of sad for no particular reason, I could call someone. But I don’t. When I was out with my friend drinking wine in some middle-aged couples bar last night (that was weird), I smoked a cigarette even though I’m pretty absolutely against it. I don’t know why. When we left the bar around 1am, I felt restless. I wanted to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t know where or what. But I did want to do it with someone.
I’m still a little haunted by things with my ex-boyfriend. We email and text a lot and sometimes I see him. As much as it breaks my heart every time we end things and as much as I miss him when he’s out of reach, it still breaks my heart every time he’s back in my life, too, reminding me of what we could have had but didn’t and what he didn’t want to give me.
Due to my crazy work schedule at a TV station, I haven’t really gotten out that much these past few months. I’ll cook dinner with a friend or if I do go to a bar, it’s for one beer on a Tuesday. I’m not sure how you meet new people anymore.
It isn’t that I’ve gotten zero offers. A friend of mine asked me to a dinner that I think is supposed to be romantic, but I’ve put it off. I’m not really sure if I’m interested and I don’t want to go through dealing with the awkward feelings if it doesn’t work out. And there was also the guy from work who asked me for my phone number. It’s not nothing. I haven’t turned invisible. But I’d like a little something more than not nothing.
I won’t go so far as to say, “Is it too much to ask for a really cute guy that I have chemistry with show up in my life?” Because yes, it is. I’m not saying to the sky, “Deliver unto me a boyfriend.” But I miss butterflies in my stomach. I miss hoping for something. Even crushing on a barista from afar would be better than this.
I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling is related to dating, specifically. It’s probably closer to some mid-20s ennui. But I do think meeting someone I’m interested in would help and caring about someone would be nice. I’m not sure what else would help. And don’t tell me to start working out.