Buzzkills

Pheromone-Laced Stockings Are Here, But They Won’t Make You Sexier (Sorry)

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Stockings can be sexy, knows anyone who has ever worn nice stockings or touched nice stockings or seen pictures of nice stockings on the Internet. But according to one hosiery company, standard sexy stockings are not sexy enough. To be truly sexy, you need Ballerina’s upcoming line of Hush Hush stockings, which, the Daily Mail promises, are “laced with female pheromones” to “send out subconscious signals to the opposite sex.” No man will be able to ignore your subconscious signals when you are wearing these puppies. You will be Anne Bancroft. The world will be your Dustin Hoffman. It’s going to be great.

There is just one problem: so far, scientists haven’t actually figured out how — or if — pheromones work in humans. Scientists have had “some success” demonstrating that body odor can make people feel things, but as the current issue of Scientific American explains, they have had approximately zero luck pinning down any specific molecules that might be responsible for those reactions. In fact, they have yet to definitively identified a single human pheromone. Whatever’s in the stockings, it’s not female pheromones. It can’t be, because so far, there are no female pheromones.

On the bright side, these stockings look totally adequate as attractive leg-coverings and will probably keep you warm under dresses. Isn’t that sexy enough?