Quit It Already

Please, Science, Stop the Junk Studies About Women Liking Cell Phones More Than Sex

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Woman in Her Lovely Bedroom Texting

Every few months, there is a study that says that contemporary American ladies prefer their cellular telephones to sex. Hilarious, we say! And then we make smug jokes about the internet age, where we care more about our Instagrams that our orgasms. “Cell Phones Better Than Sex” read a headline in February. Before that, there was “Some Women Prefer Cell Phone Over Sex,” “Half of Women Would Rather Go Without Sex Than Give Up a Smart Phone,” “57 Percent of American Woman Chose Cell Phone Over Sex,” and “70 Percent of Women Would Give Up Sex Rather Than Their Cell Phone.”

I get it. Women don’t like sex enough, or women like phones too much, or modernity in general is a sad business — I’m not totally sure what the takeaway is here, except very good news for cell phone companies. The ladies, they are terrible. Also, can we stop now?

Look, I like sex. I also like my phone. Obviously, I cannot speak for everyone here, but I feel I am in the majority. That’s great, because one of the amazing things about living in this great nation of ours is that these two things are not mutually exclusive. I can, if I want to, both have sex and use my phone. For example, I can check my email, look at pictures of rabbits on the internet, and then have sex. Alternately, I can have sex first, and then check my email and look at pictures of rabbits on the internet. Hypothetically, I could even have sex while checking my email and looking at pictures of rabbits on the internet — that is the magic of mobile technology!

Sex is good for many things, like pleasure and closeness. I’m a fan, let’s keep it. Smartphones, though, are also good for many things, things like sending text messages and reading the newspaper and studying other people’s vacation photos on Facebook, and trying to figure out whether or not the G train is running (hint: it’s not). Accordingly, let’s keep them, too. Giving up sex would make me sad. Giving up my phone would also make me sad, and probably lost, because I am very dependent on that thing for directions and subway maps. Luckily, though, I will never have to make this choice, because this choice makes no sense. “Honey, it’s sex with me or no phone for two weeks,” said, in common internet parlance, no person ever.

I have so many questions about the world. For example, space: what’s up with that? Also, alternative energy. Why are cat videos better than dog videos, even though dogs are better in real life? How should I feel about charter schools? Why did everyone think The Descendants was a good movie? (It was not a good movie.) One question I do not have, though, is whether ladies like sex more or less than they like telephones. Sex is like Thai basil curry. Phones are like puppies. Both are among my favorite things. Also, though, they are unrelated, not mutually exclusive, and my passion for one says very very little about my passion for the other. (I guess I choose puppies, though?)