Raise your hand if you’ve ever read a list of sex toys guaranteed to “spice up your love life!” Hand raised? Yeah, we thought so. But how many of these suggestions are actually worth the money and effort? Hint: very few. In fact, many of these so-called mood enhancers result in mess, discomfort, and possible bodily injury–basically the opposite of sexy romance. Here’s a list of the worst offenders. Just think of me as your curmudgeonly consumer advocate for sex toys….
Chocolate Body Fondue
Listen, I've read "Like Water for Chocolate" -- I know that sex and chocolate are a great pairing. It's messy! It's sticky! It's better in concept than in practice! It's pretty time-honored, as far as sexual accessories go. But if you do decide to go the "lick this chocolate off my body" route, please, please, skip the $16 "chocolate body fondue," which is nothing more than poor quality chocolate packaged and sold in a sex shop. Either splurge on the really good stuff, or go ahead and use Hershey's, but chocolate marketed for the purpose of foreplay is just silly.
It's hard to enjoy sex when you're not relaxed, and I just do not think I could be that relaxed while swinging from a rickety contraption that's hanging precariously from a doorjamb, I just don't.
Feather Leather Spanker
I guess what differentiates this from a feather duster is that some of the feathers are pink, and the other end is a leather spanker. It sort of looks like a cat toy, though, which I think would be a mood killer, for me.
Vibrating Cock Ring
At first I was just like, "UGH just use DUCT TAPE let's stop pretending that sex toys can't at all be utilitarian!!!" but then I read the description. This tape doesn't stick to skin, only to itself (how??) which means you can bind someone without painfully ripping their skin off, so, honestly, out of everything on this list, this one seems like the best investment.
Yes, by all means use a vibrator to spice up your sex life. Anyone who's read a magazine in the past 10 years can tell you that. (Not to say it's not a good idea, just that it's not a novel idea.)
At first, I got excited cause I thought (ridiculously) that somehow this candle massaged you?? No, of course not, but it does double as massage oil. Though...how? Is the question. Do you have to tip out the (burning hot) wax/oil in order to use it? Like in that Ricky Martin video?? I guess people who are into candles like nice candles and nice candles are expensive, so this $32 "sex toy" gets a pass.
I would just like to point out that The Frisky says these are great for "innocuous daywear." The term "daywear" makes me think of Eileen Fisher twinsets, not butt plugs. Unlike much else on this list, it is highly preferable that you buy this as a marketed sex toy, rather than try to substitute something else for your innocuous daywear purposes.