From Skyfall to Blue Valentine to about a third of all movies ever made, what’s with our cultural obsession with shower sex? It seems so romantic and daring, and it’s right there in the comfort of your own home. But don’t bother. Really. Yes, it’s (literally) steamy. It’s also dangerous, cramped, and (literally and figuratively) anticlimactic. You’re going to have a bad time.
For me, the primary appeal of shower sex is that it’s a time-saving lifehack, like eating dinner and doing the dishes all at once. Plus, you’re guaranteeing that your partner’s grimy parts will be as ungrimy as humanly possible. Beyond that, the cons vastly outweigh the pros. Shower sex, consider yourself on notice.
For one thing, the shower elevates sex to Threat Level Orange for slipping and falling like a frail old lady in an infomercial. Soaking wet and naked is not the state I’d like to be in when the paramedics arrive to Humpty Dumpty my split-open head. You could always buy special shower tile suction cups to secure a little more leverage, but then you risk forgetting to remove them when grandma visits for the weekend. Your partner may also develop the sense that he or she is being penetrated by a terrifying person-octopus hybrid, which is a very specific nightmare I had after Spider-Man 2 came out.
Counterintuitively, warm water dries out the vagina, so silicone-based lubricant is a must (because water-based, like the God-made variety, washes away). Perfect, because conditions weren’t life-threateningly slippery enough already. Shower sex also makes condom use a lot more difficult – and, if you believe the internet, this can happen. No, thank you. There are sex positions specifically conceived with shower sex in mind, but most of these require advanced yoga proficiency or read like launch instructions from Cape Canaveral. Swing right leg 17 degrees northwest, grind pelvis in concentric circles of increasing radius along the z-axis.
Possible solution: reserve the shower for oral sex, foreplay, and miscellaneous fooling around. But even this, objectively, kind of sucks. Unless you have an LBJ-style six-nozzle extravaganza, somebody will inevitably be much too hot or much too cold or accidentally getting waterboarded. (You know where we all should have had sex? In the goddamn Rain Room.)
Besides, for the place where you get clean, your shower is disgusting. If you don’t think your shower is disgusting, then you’ve never really thought about your shower.
Don’t despair, young lovers. There are plenty of other places for you to explore each other sexually. For instance, literally anywhere in the world that does not happen to be the interior of a shower. Also on notice: bathtubs, jacuzzis, the ocean.