Survey Finds Buying a Woman the ‘Perfect’ Gift Probably Won’t Convince Her to Sleep with You

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Woman gets gift from Santa

According to a survey by crowd-sourcing gift site, receiving the “perfect” present makes women more likely to sleep with their partners. Oops, sorry, misread the press release! Giving the perfect gift will actually get you laid by only 1 in 12 women. So, maybe don’t bother?

That’s right: the chances of perfect-gift sex are a measly 8 percent. That’s approximately the same odds as rolling two dice that sum to 4, but only a fifth of Toronto Mayor Rob “There Is Actual Video Footage of Me Smoking Crack” Ford’s approval rating (I know, right?).

The survey also found that 42 percent of women have broken up with a significant other who gave them “awful” gifts – which, according to, could include a cement mixer, a beard trimmer, or a “worm farm.” Nothing personal, those of you who believe it’s appropriate to buy cement mixers for your wives.

A worm farm (I expect that phrase to echo through my nightmares for the foreseeable future) is one thing, but the “perfect gift” isn’t necessarily a healthy idea, either. In general, anyone over the age of 12 with unreasonably high expectations for presents is unworthy of the time and money that finding them would require of you.

If you buy her a gift, there’s an 8 percent chance you’ll get sex and a 42 percent chance you’ll get dumped. The odds are against you! Maybe you shouldn’t buy her anything at all. When she freaks out on December 25, just tell her that it’s math, baby. It’s math.

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