Survey Says Cuddling Will Ruin Your Sex Life

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Sleeping young couple

Sharing a bed with someone for the first time? Whatever you do, please don’t cuddle. A survey of more than 2,000 British adults has determined that excessive snuggling is the single most irritating thing a new partner can do – outranking dirty sheets, snoring, and farting as the worst possible turn-off for first-time sex. We can’t say we’re surprised.

Under the right circumstances, cuddling – an activity that we’re perfectly comfortable sharing with significant others, family members, pets, and even platonic friends – is more intimate than sex. When two people don’t know each other well, post-coital small talk is worse than elevator small talk, and only 10 percent less excruciating than funeral small talk. You’re sweaty. You’re tired. There’s a boob, right there, just hanging out in the open. The air is heavy with dick breath. It’s hard to chat casually about the weather when, not even two minutes ago, you were knuckle-deep inside each other.

The core of cuddling’s awkwardness arises from the physical uncertainty of the situation. Do you keep your hand on your partner’s waist, like you’re posing for a horizontal prom photo? What can you do about your dead arm, suffering permanent nerve damage as it’s crushed under his or her weight? Have you established an escape plan if, god forbid, your dude or lady should attempt a boa constrictor’s full-body mega-squeeze?

I have a theory. What if we, as a species, simply don’t know how to cuddle? There are plenty of ways to find out about sex, at least in a rudimentary sense. But no teen surfs the web for footage of MILFs tenderly hugging – just as parents don’t sit their kids down for a talk about safe spooning. Proper cuddling technique should be taught in schools. Please write your Congressperson today.

Image via Veer