Sex

The Rules for Making a Sex Tape

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Sex tape

Don’t:

Record your wedding night sex without your groom’s knowledge, then forget the camera in your hotel room. Someone who works there will find it and upload your video to the internet. Also, your new husband will divorce you.

Don’t:

Hide your phone in your wife’s best friend’s bedroom in an attempt to film her changing her clothes.

Don’t:

Abuse your role as a police officer to lure women back to your home for sex, secretly film them through a pinhole camera, then compile highlight reels to share with your colleagues.

Don’t:

Invite your best friend Hulk Hogan to have sex with your wife, film them doing it, then – despite Hogan’s protests – sell the footage to the highest bidder.

Don’t:

Record sex with your girlfriend when she’s black-out drunk, if only because Dear Abby will judge you so hard. Also, don’t have sex with someone who’s black-out drunk. Seriously.

Don’t:

Be an A-list actor who clandestinely films himself having sex with his son’s girlfriend, then murders her when she discovers the tapes. (Sorry for the spoilers, anyone who hasn’t gotten around to watching Veronica Mars yet.)

Do:

Get consent first. Consent. Consent, consent, consent.

Just as with sex itself, making sure that all parties involved are fully on board is absolutely vital for sex tape. Unless you are a government whistleblower and/or field producer for Punk’d, you have absolutely no business filming anyone without their consent – especially if that person doesn’t have any clothes on.

Beyond that? Sex tapes have no rules. Monologue about a treasured childhood Christmas memory between thrusts! Wear a pair of black dress socks and the Ronald Reagan mask from Point Break! Throw in some Eisensteinian montage in post-production! Knock yourselves out, you crazy kids. Just ask first.

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