If you’re a woman, you have a very limited window of time in which it’s considered socially acceptable to lose your virginity: pretty much between the ages of 16 and 21. If you have sex before 16, you’re considered a slut. If you’re an adult who’s never had sex, society says there’s something wrong with you: you’ve been rejected by the men of the world, you’re sexually undesirable. There is very little room for a happy medium.
XOJane published an interesting first-hand account of an ex-30 year-old virgin who held off on sex (and kissing) for about twenty years, because she sort of just didn’t feel like it.
“As an adult virgin, I really didn’t feel ashamed or unattractive or any of those negative things you might expect. To me, the problem with being an adult virgin wasn’t the lack of sex, but the way society negatively views virgins over the age of 21.
I knew that if I really wanted to, I could have sex. For some reason though, I just didn’t really want to.”
The essay isn’t at all sensational: the writer doesn’t feel bad about herself, and her first sexual experience, however belated, is a positive one.
It’s a good reminder that when it comes to human sexual experiences, there is no normal. You can go years and years happily without sex, and then want it all the time. You can want sex consistently your whole life. Or you can never want it at all.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take control of your own sex life, whether it means holding off on sex, or actively pursuing it in whatever way is comfortable and satisfying to you.
And, (not to sound like a high school sex ed pamphlet) never have sex before you’re ready, whether with a specific partner, or just, in general. As this woman pointed out in her essay, it’s one thing in life that is always worth the wait, no matter how long it takes.