Virginity is the Perfect Last-Minute Gift for Any Occasion

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Purity balls, where girls “gift their virginity” to their fathers until marriage, are “sweeping” America, reports the Daily Mail, citing an upcoming ABC Nightline Documentary on the topic. This makes sense — I have long believed virginity is a great gift.

For example, at birthdays: “Happy Birthday!” you say, as your friend blows out the candles. “I was going to get you a necklace, but then I realized the perfect present is my virginity! Surprise!”

As a hostess gift: “Martha, Bill. This is so lovely. The roast beef smells delicious. In lieu of a bottle of wine, I have brought you gift of my virginity. You might want to chill it before dinner.”

Also, in Easter baskets: “Here is a pastel basket full of little My Virginities!”

At a baby shower: “I got you this. Here, open it. No, no — it’s not a diaper cake. It is my virginity.”

As an off-registry wedding present: “I know you were hoping for those Crate & Barrel bath sheets in ecru, but I decided to go with something much more meaningful. It is my virginity. I believe it’s the only one you’ll be taking tonight!”

For your Secret Santa: “Bob in accounting, I know we’ve never really worked together, but I really appreciate you. Merry Christmas. Here is my virginity!”

Or your cousin’s bat Mitzvah: “To mark your entry into womanhood, I got you some my virginity!”

As a graduation gift: “Here’s to a bright future! Also, here is my virginity.”