Excuse me, everyone? Please stop having sex immediately. Sex is over now, because this couple won it. In what is easily the greatest erotic scenario ever achieved by humankind, two people were arrested Sunday for having sex in a Waffle House parking lot in Loganville, Georgia.
But that’s not all. When confronted by police, the woman – who blew a staggering 0.216 on a breathalyzer test – “attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal.” If there were a Pulitzer Prize for sentences, that would definitely be this year’s frontrunner.
Until The Date Report lands an exclusive interview with Public Sex Cheeseburger Lady, here are a few of the many, many questions we have for her.
- Was the cheeseburger purchased at Waffle House?
- If so, why didn’t you get waffles instead? Their waffles are really good, and they’d probably make equally solid footwear. It’s not called Cheeseburger House for a reason.
- Did you at any point consider eating the cheeseburger?
- Why only one cheeseburger? What, if anything, were you wearing on the other foot?
- Is a breathalyzer test really necessary once a person attempts to wear a cheeseburger as a sandal?
- Was it really a “sandal,” per se? Could it have been a clog, or a sneaker?
- If you only wear the bun, is it considered vegan footwear? Would Natalie Portman approve?
- Are you guys, like, dating? (You and your public sex partner, that is, not you and your cheeseburger.)