The Last Single Girl in the Bible Belt: What Saturdays Look Like When You’re Single

Pin it

Sometimes the weekends of a singleton are filled up with plans and friends. Then there’s the other 51 weeks of the year when Saturday looks like this:

7:30 am – Wake up with an ambitious attitude in the hopes of conquering everything that’s been put off for the past month.

7:40 am – Realize that nobody will recognize your productiveness and immediately go back to bed.

9:45 am – Awaken for the second time and coax yourself into trading pajama pants for jeans.

9:50 am – Decide jeans aren’t slimming and put on Spanx, tights, and a skirt. Go to coffee shop with a pretentious book to impress any knowledgeable male there.

10:45 am – Begin to get hungry and crave something that requires no effort on your part. Text as many friends as possible to get brunch.

11:00 am – Leave coffee shop in anger that no friends have responded to your text yet. Begin formulating ideas of the fun they are having without you.

11:10 am – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Related: 10 People You Should Be Following on Twitter if You’re Single

11:15 am – Still no texts. Decide to go on a diet.

Noon – Opt to start diet on Monday and order a pizza as one last hoorah.

1 pm – Receive text from friend apologizing for not responding about brunch earlier because she was “running errands with the husband.”

2:30 pm – Put in The Holiday. Begin wondering if you’re more of a Kate or a Cameron.

2:45 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

3:30 pm – Start a Tumblr dedicated to quoting romantic comedies.

4 pm – Respond to text with a passive aggressive “It’s OK” and vow to never run errands or speak to married people again.

Related: How to Handle: All My Friends Are Married Or In Relationships

4:15 pm – Movie ends. So does your hope of ever finding a significant other.

4:20 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

4:45 pm – Phone rings for first time today. It’s your mom, giver of all good pep talks.

5 pm – Try to decide on a healthy snack and end up choosing Swedish Fish. (They’re fat free!)

5:10 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

5:15 pm – Check bank account and make a decision to treat yourself. Head for the mall.

5:30 pm – Visit Anthropologie. Look at lots of clothes and are reminded you have more of a Gap budget.

5:45 pm – Realize you don’t feel like trying on any clothes and settle for a treat from Starbucks.

6 pm – Receive a text from a friend asking you go to out around 10 pm. Elation ensues. Somebody loves you!

7 pm – Begin getting ready to go out by taking a long shower, even sparing the time to shave your legs.

7:30 pm – Apply makeup, using all of your good stuff.

8 pm – Dry your hair and tease it up because nobody likes bland hair.

8:30 pm – Start choosing an outfit.

9 pm – Come to the conclusion that you have nothing to wear and can no longer go out. Tears containing wasted makeup stream down your face and onto your silky legs.

9:05 pm – Text your friend to tell her you’re feeling sick and can’t come out tonight, hoping she doesn’t ask what kind of illness you’ve developed.

9:30 pm – Begin picking up every piece of clothing that was flung from your closet and organizing it. Notice you don’t feel like doing that and go to the TV instead.

9:35 pm – Find an episode of Gossip Girl to watch. It’s the one show you can actually relate to.

Related: 10 Fall Shows to Say You Watch On A Date, and 10 You Should Never Admit to Viewing

10 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

10:05 pm – Cut the lights out, it’s time to sleep.

Related: Sad Science: A Lonely Heart Leads to Sleepless Nights

Courtney is one of the last single girls in the Bible Belt. She blogs about it here, and you can follow her on Twitter here.