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How To Pick Up People Via Facebook

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Obviously, Facebook is a great tool for meeting, connecting, and keeping in touch with people. But what do people really want from Facebook? Dates.

The PickUp Artist’s Guide To Facebook Dating is a hilarious article that promises to help you meet one night stands through the greatest of social networks.

But don’t get the wrong impression!

“Before you decide that this article is a creepy, misguided, and ineffectual attempt at providing dating advice, let me assure you that it isnot ineffectual.”

So you see, it’s just creepy and misguided–but not ineffectual.

The Advice:

Crash Parties

The article suggests you click on Friends’ events (specifically, the ones you weren’t invited to) and check out the guest list. If you see someone you like, just go to the event, because “you’ll already have a wing-person in tow.” And by “wing-person,” we mean friend who was ACTUALLY invited to the event, who won’t think you’re weird at all when you suddenly announce that you’re planning on tagging along.

Send Strangers Messages

Perusing through an acquaintance’s photo album? Of course you are. If you see someone cute, send them a message.

“Even the mere fact that you have a mutual friend can help allay any fear that you’re a creeper who reads blogs on how to date using Facebook.”

…except for the small detail that you ARE a creeper who reads blogs on how to date using Facebook!

Stalk Them Using Their Email Address

Use their Facebook to find their email, address, because:

A simple Google search of my email address “theitkids[at]gmail.com” yields newspaper articles, YouTube channels, Twitter accounts – all associated with me.

So basically, you will have creepily looked at all their YouTube videos, tweets, and various other online presences, all before ever having met the person. Sounds healthy.

Find Your Old Crush

Whatever happened to that cute girl from High School? Friend them on Facebook and find out. Nothing wrong with this strategy, unless the connection is really thin, aka “I sat across the room in a 300 person Chem 101 class and always thought you were pretty and 10 years later I’m still thinking about you. And I’m single.”

Falsify All Your Information To Seem More Impressive

For instance, according to my recently updated profile, I’m the CEO of Twitter and received my Ph.D. from Brown in Interpretive Dance. Obviously, I didn’t go to Brown.

Obviously.

So, this is so completely creepy and wrong and bizarre, and all I can say is, if some creepy dweeb from high school all the sudden says he’s CEO of Time Warner and also found time to go to Harvard Medical School, don’t think to yourself “Wow, he did well for himself!” He is obviously just a Facebook pick-up artist.

How To Actually Pick Someone Up On Facebook

Now for some real advice, from HowAboutWe:

Friend them with a nice message. Comment on their statuses. “Like” their statuses. Send them a message with some thoughts about a link they posted. Post a link on their wall that you think they’d like. Invite them to an event–a party you’re throwing, a party you’re going to, a concert. “Like” a nice picture of them. Ask them out.