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Google’s Most Frequently Asked Relationship Questions Answered

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Google likes to help you along when you’re typing in a question. The handy suggestions it offers are culled from an analysis of the most popular questions posed to the search engine. Because we worry about the people who would ask such questions, we have taken the liberty to answer them.

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1. Is my girlfriend pregnant?

Have you had sexual relations with that woman? Was it not just in the Bill Clinton way with her under a desk? Were either of you as short-sighted as our former president, and not use protection? If you answer “Yes” to any of the above questions, there might be a visit to Planned Parenthood in your future. Their waiting rooms are supposed to be great, though!

2. Is my girlfriend attracted to me?

Your girlfriend was attracted to you. That’s how she got to be your girlfriend. Is she still attracted to you? I don’t know. Maybe you should try asking her instead of Google? Make sure to wear your fanciest sweater when you do!

3. Is my girlfriend bipolar?

No. If you stopped being a jerk, worrying whether she’s pregnant and finds you attractive, she wouldn’t have mood swings that you have dubbed “bipolar.” That’s not even a nice thing to ask.

4. Is my girlfriend controlling?

Concentrate and ask again.

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1. Do girls like facial hair?

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is yes and yes.

2. Do girls like muscles?

Yes. But if you in any way resemble a bodybuilder, absolutely not. And stop taking those steroids.

3. Do girls like abs?

Yes. Abs are a muscle and we have determined that girls like muscles.

4. Do girls like skinny guys?

Are you constantly eating and still skeletal? If so, that’s decidedly unfair and no. But there are probably still plenty of girls that will bone you, you skeleton, you.

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1. Do women have prostates?

Have you taken a science class?

2. Do women have wet dreams?

Only when they dream of you.

3. Do women like beards?

See “Do girls like facial hair?” You think you’re all cool because you can grow a full beard and you go for real “women,” not “girls”? Well then. You’re totally right. You are cool.

4. Do women come?

If you’re asking this question, the answer is, “Probably not with you.”

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1. Do men have one less rib?

Yessiree, and snakes talk and your older son is going to kill your younger son.

2. Do men like virgins?

Most guys are freaked out by it; others are turned on by it. Whatever floats your boat.

3. Do men get yeast infections?

Yes, but it’s called jock itch, so it sounds vaguely virile and more appealing.

4. Do men like tall women?

Super model tall, yes; Julia Child tall, no. But a good man will like you no matter what size you are. Awwww.

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1. Is dating haram?

Seeing as Palestinian women just got license to troll the internet for Muslim loving, I’d say no.

2. Is dating your cousin wrong?

The next thing you should Google is “local psychologists specializing in incest.”

3. Is dating biblical?

Are you trying to say that Abraham wasn’t a great date? Because he was.

4. Is dating a numbers game?

Everything is a numbers game, including dating. But remember, it only takes one. And one is the easiest (and lonliest) number.

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1. I’m in a relationship with 15 inflatable animals.

Wow, that seems very difficult to maintain. Do the animals get jealous of each other?

2. I’m in a relationship but I like another girl.

Don’t beat yourself up. It happens. Be nice to both of them, because they deserve it.

3. I’m in a relationship and I have a crush.

On your significant other? How sweet! Keep that love alive.

4. I’m in a relationship now what?

Maybe invest in 14 other inflatable animals?

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