Health

Introducing WhatsAppitis and All the Other Social Media-Induced Diseases

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Medical doctors team with MRI spinal scan

A woman in Spain was just diagnosed with the world’s first recorded case of WhatsAppitis, reports the Lancet, a venerated medical journal that’s been around since 1823. WhatsAppitis, of course, is the scientific name for what you get when you send so many WhatsApp messages that your wrists hurt enough to see a doctor about how your wrists hurt.

The disease, however, is only one of many social media-induced conditions plaguing the global medical community. These haven’t been recognized by the Lancet yet (because I made them up), but it’s only a matter of time.

The Twitches: The feeling that you cannot sit through an event without compulsively live-tweeting it.

ADCCD (Attention Directed to Candy Crush Disorder): An inability to focus on anything that is not Candy Crush.

Tinderrhea: A condition whereby you indiscriminately swipe right in order to secure as many dates as possible.

Paranoid Hingelucinations: When you believe everyone you meet is a person you have seen on Hinge and you therefore avoid all of them.

Viral Overload: A chronic condition caused by watching too many consecutive Upworthy videos.

Instagramorexia: A dangerous phenomenon where you cannot eat your food until your photo has uploaded.

Non-Reciprocal Like Imbalance: A recurring disease whereby you regularly “like” a person’s posts even though that person has never once “liked” any of your posts.

Obsessive Refresh Disorder: The compulsive urge to reload your Gmail.

SiDS (Sudden iPhone Death Syndrome): A disease associated with people who believe they charged their phones, but did not actually charge their phones.

Emoji-induced Aphasia: A degenerative condition that slowly degrades your brain’s ability to process language made out of actual letters.

Atypical Istyping Sickness: The overwhelming nausea when you are waiting for a certain person to finish their composing their iMessage.

Boobonic Plague: The repeated sending of ill-advised sexts.