Health

Introducing WhatsAppitis and All the Other Social Media-Induced Diseases

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Medical doctors team with MRI spinal scan

A woman in Spain was just diagnosed with the world’s first recorded case of WhatsAppitis, reports the Lancet, a venerated medical journal that’s been around since 1823. WhatsAppitis, of course,┬áis the scientific name for what you get when you send so many WhatsApp messages that your wrists hurt enough to see a doctor about how your wrists hurt.

The disease, however, is only one of many social media-induced conditions plaguing the global medical community. These haven’t been recognized by the Lancet yet (because I made them up), but it’s only a matter of time.

The Twitches: The feeling that you cannot sit through an event without compulsively live-tweeting it.

ADCCD (Attention Directed to Candy Crush Disorder): An inability to focus on anything that is not Candy Crush.

Tinderrhea: A condition whereby you indiscriminately swipe right in order to secure as many dates as possible.

Paranoid Hingelucinations: When you believe everyone you meet is a person you have seen on Hinge and you therefore avoid all of them.

Viral Overload: A chronic condition caused by watching too many consecutive Upworthy videos.

Instagramorexia: A dangerous phenomenon where you cannot eat your food until your photo has uploaded.

Non-Reciprocal Like Imbalance: A recurring disease whereby you regularly “like” a person’s posts even though that person has never once “liked” any of your posts.

Obsessive Refresh Disorder: The compulsive urge to reload your Gmail.

SiDS (Sudden iPhone Death Syndrome): A disease associated with people who believe they charged their phones, but did not actually charge their phones.

Emoji-induced Aphasia: A degenerative condition that slowly degrades your brain’s ability to process language made out of actual letters.

Atypical Istyping Sickness: The overwhelming nausea when you are waiting for a certain person to finish their composing their iMessage.

Boobonic Plague: The repeated sending of ill-advised sexts.