Samsung Is Very Confused About How Dating Works

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Samsung’s new commercial for its GALAXY Gear smartwatch demonstrates that, while they may not know how to produce a smartwatch anyone wants, they have unique insights into human attraction.

Samsung Dating Tip 1: Make your move when she can’t get away.

Like all good things do, the commercial begins on a ski lift, and follows an ambiguously European man using a very large, orange watch to be creepy toward an extremely hesitant blonde lady throughout his many sexy ski adventures. He opens by asking the blonde lady if she’d like to “see something cool.” Her face says no, no she would not like to see something cool, but — seemingly to avoid the awkwardness of being trapped on a ski lift with a rejected pickup artist — she dictates her number into his wrist. Most men would interpret her exaggerated expressions of disgust as a tacit rejection, but our hero is not our hero for nothing.

Samsung Dating Tip 2: Document everything.

Somewhere above the Alps (?), our hero makes his move. “Hey, Pretty Lady,” he says into his wrist. “It’s me, Jack.” The blonde, who we learn is named Amy, seems momentarily impressed: She has never talked to a man’s wrist before. This encourages Jack to take 64 pictures of Amy snowboarding. Because he is a romantic at heart, Jack then shows Amy all 64 pictures, plus some video.

And this is where Samsung confirms that nobody in their marketing department has ever experienced an interpersonal relationship: Amy, having viewed the secret wrist-footage of herself, decides that she will, indeed, “See you soon, Jack.”

Samsung Dating Tip 3: Never lose contact.

At the Euro-ski-disco that night, Amy bumps into Jack, and acts very surprised, although she had said she would see him later. Maybe things have not worked out for Amy, generally. Maybe Amy has been let down before. But Jack is there. Jack and his watch are always there, except when he disappears momentarily to get drinks and take pictures of wine bottles. Amy calls Jack’s wrist to check in, because she, too, has fallen under the spell of the GALAXY.

Samsung Dating Tip 4: Live on the edge.

The two reconvene on the patio, because in Samsung’s world, this is how seduction works. To underscore the romantic experience of drinking glasses of “Napa red” on the patio, Jack uses his watch to play some romantic on-hold music from his phone, which he has decided is best kept 20 feet away, on the patio banister, to show he is a risk-taker. Amy is impressed. She feels something is “perfect,” though it’s not clear if it’s the music or the bizarre phone placement or the 64 pictures. It does not matter. “Perfect” is enough for Jack, who gazes blankly at the camera, threatening us with his GALAXY’d wrist.