Class Acts

10 Crazy Love Texts From Napoleon

Pin it

Mental Floss unearthed these quotations from Napoleon’s love letters to his wife Josephine, and although they weren’t technically text messages, that’s only because the technology was not available. Lil’ Nappy might have been writing these lines with quill pen and parchment, but if he were alive today, this shit would be all over

A few months after their wedding, he wrote: “I don’t love you, not at all; on the contrary I detest you – You’re a naughty, gawky, foolish slut.”

Plus: The Most Bullshit Text Message Ever From A Passive-Aggressive Liar

In the same letter: “I hope before long to crush you in my arms and cover you with a million kisses burning as though beneath the equator.”

In April 1796, Napoleon sexts: “I shall be alone and far, far away. But you are coming, aren’t you? You are going to be here beside me, in my arms, on my breast, on my mouth? Take wing and come, come… A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down, much lower!”

Plus: Getting Dirty With Your Hands: The Surrealist Chart Of Erotic Hand Signaling

“I write you, me beloved one, very often, and you write very little. You are wicked and naughty, very naughty, as much as you are fickle. It is unfaithful so to deceive a poor husband, a tender lover!” Now the jealous husband is in full force, and playing the sympathy card.

Napoleon goes on to let her know that he is nothing without her. “Without his Josephine, without the assurance of her love, what is left him upon earth? What can he do?” What is left for you? How about all of Europe? Aren’t you, like, the Emperor of Europe?!

Plus: 11 Pretty Ridiculous Sexts Guys Actually Like

“How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole.” It’s getting hot in herre.

Read the rest on Mental Floss.