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Don’t Wear a Monocle, Unless You’re an Idiot

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Monocle

As always, the New York Times is on it. The paper of record, which recently identified that a common secondary sex characteristic of the human male is the ability to grow hair on one’s face, has now declared that the monocle is in. Like a sexy Mr. Peanut or a hipster Count von Count, the single-lens eyepiece is (apparently) the perfect accessory for the urban gent who can only afford half a pair of glasses.

“I got it just to have my own style, bring something new to the table,” monocle-wearing rapper Jose Vega told the Times. “Also, I’m nearsighted.” If there were a Pulitzer Prize for greatest two-sentence quote printed in a newspaper, Mr. Vega would have it on lock.

Dudes, ladies, nearsighted pets: Let’s agree to nip this one in the bud. Monocles are officially unacceptable — unless you only have one eyeball, or you’re a time traveler from the past. In either case, badass.