5 TV Shows That Will Reveal (Almost) Everything You Need To Know About Your S.O.

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What you watch on television says a lot about you — particularly to a potential mate. Even if you don’t currently watch TV, at some point you’ll likely be in a long-term relationship and/or married and the boob tube will replace other types of boobs and tubes as the primary source of your cohabitational delight. In fact, I recommend spending a first date as such: sitting side by side on the couch, facing forward, and watching the TV Guide Channel.

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The point of this wouldn’t be to choose a program or to get sucked in to the fortieth broadcasting of some TV Guide movie like St. Elmo’s Fire (though it IS nice to see what Demi Moore looked like when she was the lead singer of Journey). The point would be to decide whether or not the person next to you is worth dating, much less nodding to on the street. Did they perk up at Antiques Roadshow? Did they ooh and aah when NHL scrolled by? Did they salivate and paw the screen when the words Dallas appeared? Because, trust me on this one: if your date showed a glimmer of intrigue at Animal Hoarders, you need to politely excuse yourself to the bathroom and fling yourself off the nearest fire escape. Because it’s a known fact that anyone who watches that show more than once is sleeping inside a deer carcass.

So, in case you were wondering, here are five of the most revealing TV shows out there.

CSI: Wherever

Viewers of this series like pretty things. They see the world through one big aquamarine filter. They believe police stations and forensics labs look something like a Cirque du Soleil sushi bar. They’re pretty sure if they ever saw a dead person, The Who would just magically start playing from their Rolex. These folks wear mirrored sunglasses, and by that I mean sunglasses that have mirrors on the inside so they can constantly look at themselves. Their favorite phrase is: “I’m sorry, were you saying something?”

Louis CK

Louie makes everyone feel better about everything. Divorced? No problem? Single? No problem? Unlovable, fat, and balding? No problem? Love to eat ice cream by the fistful, get annoyed by your children, and say the worst thing at the worst time and then eat a bunch of pizza and masturbate in a black t-shirt while sitting on the toilet? No problem. Louie does all of these life-affirming-for-you things to the backdrop of the world’s funniest irreverent humor EVER. If this is your favorite show, you are a disgusting genius.

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Cupcake Wars

I’ve watched this show more times than I would like to admit. It’s not because I like it — AT ALL — but because the remote is often disassembled in the room where I feed the baby, and I don’t have the time to find the batteries and the thingy that snaps on the back of the clicker before people start screaming for milk. So, I’ve seen this shit. The individuals featured on this show are a special breed. They believe in unicorns, edible glitter, and uncontrollable crying. Their main goals in life are to carve Harry Potter out of almond bark. But they ARE good listeners. And loyal. They’re in it for the long haul. In what, you ask? The pantry. Under a sack of flour.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations

Anthony Bourdain is a tall drink of water that someone’s put an old cigar out in. There is nothing shiny or fancy about him or his show, though both are sexy in a dark sort of way. Case in point: his trip to Finland. Upon landing in Helsinki, Anthony proceeds to the nearest spa (read: dimly-lit public bathhouse with 5-foot-high ceilings and chunks of mold falling off the walls) to sit in a sauna that employs toilet water poured over hot reindeer dung. Flash to the next scene where Anthony is face-down on a tarp and a toothless hooker is mauling his back with a fishhook. Just when you think it can’t get much worse, she applies a bunch of suction cups and vacuum tubes to Anthony’s wounds, so he can enjoy a nice, authentic, Scandinavian blood-letting. Then, for the rest of the show, after losing a good pint of blood, Anthony drinks vodka and eats sausage for 48 hours. I think he sleeps in a snowdrift. So, what I’m saying is that if this is your favorite show, you make those vampires on True Blood look like the Teletubbies.

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Judith Ripka Sterling Collection on QVC

If you’re not an 85-year-old woman or a pothead or an insomniac or working the night shift or a shopaholic or passed out drunk, message me. I’d like to meet anyone who fits none of those categories, but still watches this. Oh. Looks like I just messaged myself. Anyway, QVC watchers are an interesting breed. They’re usually amateur sociologists who think they can give other people advice about stuff they know nothing about. Interestingly, they make fascinating dinner dates and incompetent housekeepers. They’ll probably steal your heart and your credit card.