You’re the type of person that spends a good amount of time on Facebook, writing status updates about the cute thing your significant other did. People you went to high school with probably hate-read your page, jealously clicking through all your cutesy vacation photo albums. You think your relationship is perfect — it isn’t, of course, but you think it is, and really, isn’t that all that matters?
You weren’t born debonaire. You probably discovered your powers of seduction relatively late in life, like in college or right after, at which point you went on a veritable hook-up spree, just because you could. Of course, now it’s years later, and somehow the novelty hasn’t worn off: you still chase tail like it’s your hobby, or a skill you have to keep fresh with practice. The girls keep getting younger, but you sure as hell aren’t. And here’s what no one’s telling you: it’s starting to look a little ridiculous. Sorry, but it’s true! There’s no way you can possibly have wild oats left to sow. So, settle down a bit, mmkay? Find a nice girl you like, and don’t worry: you’re not missing out on anything that great by settling down.
How many times have you claimed to be a feminist, or joined in the angry chorus of Jezebel commenters about the birth control debate, or fought tooth and nail for your place in a male-dominated field (probably computer programming or something)? A lot. And yet, you still act like such a sycophant when it comes to your relationships with guys! You go after the married ones, you feel pressured to lie about how many guys you’ve slept with to impress one you like, etc. You need to end up with a nice guy, one who probably went to a liberal arts college on the east coast and considers himself a feminist. Someone for whom you won’t have to compromise your ideals.
Ugh, you are the bane of single girls! The nice (well — niceish) guy who settled down early and remains mostly faithful, even when he clearly would be with someone else if it wasn’t for his, like, sense of values or whatever. Ugh! Shouldn’t have settled down so early, Pete! Now you have the rest of your life to wonder what it’s like to be with another woman. Even though, yes, your wife is perfectly nice.
There’s one thing about relationships that you either learn early on, or you never learn, and that’s this: your partner can’t be responsible for your happiness, you have to be responsible for your happiness. Unfortunately, you’re still under the impression that your relationships should solve all your problems, so you flit from one long-term partnership to another, and become hopelessly embittered and disillusioned when, surprise surprise, you’re still a miserable person. You need to work on you, honey! Like…do a craft or something. Better yet, take up kick boxing. Something to work out all that agression. You just need to work on the inner you. Aside from that? The ice-queen thing works for you.
If you had only held out a little bit more. If you hadn’t let yourself get so paranoid about being single into your 30s (did you watch too many episodes of Sex and the City, too?), then maybe you could have found a perfect fit instead of just…a fit. But you are not one to admit your mistakes, least of all to yourself, and you are going to make this relationship work, damnit. Because frankly? You were really, really tired of being single. So even though you’re with someone who is not as smart and nice and generally awesome as you are…at least it’s someone.
God. You’re so hot, and so sexy, and such a psychopath. You know? Do the countless women you sleep with even know about your mommy and daddy complexes? No, or you wouldn’t want to sleep with them. Every girl in your office hates you by the way. But also wants to sleep with you. Damnit!! It’s infuriating. I can’t even write your description, I hate you so much, and the careless way with which you treat women. (Call me?)