How to Spend New Years Eve on the Couch

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New Years Eve is by far the worst holiday of the year. There is so much buildup followed by inevitable disappointment. Single? You can get dressed up, spend a million dollars on whatever party you’re going to, but by the time you actually get to the party, it’s usually too late to secure a midnight kiss. Why not bypass the misery of scanning the room for the only other eligible single person there and stay home? And if you’re coupled and looking to spend a quiet evening with your significant other, there’s no better place to snuggle than on the couch.

Now the only question is, what should I watch?

I want to watch the ball drop.

Dick Clark’s Primetime New Years Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest  (ABC, 10 PM) The only thing I really need to say is that Miley Cyrus is headlining. If you want to know what’s happening on Twitter, or have anything to talk about for the next week, you had better watch her perform. Other acts include Blondie, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Icona Pop. This show is a classic, so you’re obviously going be watching at midnight. I recommend you tune in early so you can watch Miley ring in the 2014.

New Years Eve with Carson Daly (NBC 10 PM) Jane Lynch will appear alongside Carson broadcasting live from Times Square. The show will feature a pre-taped Mariah Carey performing a medley of her greatest hits including “Fantasy” and “We Belong Together.” Pre-taped Mariah vs. live, anything-can-happen-and-probably-will Miley Cyrus? Is that even a choice? If you’re going to watch the ball drop, don’t watch it on NBC. Caveat ­– if you are in the same room as a child, it’s Mariah all the way.

Okay. Fine. I’m watching the ball drop at midnight. Give me something mindless I can flip to when Ryan Seacrest annoys me.

Storage Wars (A&E, Marathon begins at 6 PM) Looking for something mildly entertaining that doesn’t require a lot of concentration? Here you go. You know the characters, you know the plot. It doesn’t matter when you tune in.

Chopped: All Stars (Food Network, Marathon runs 6 PM-11 PM) Same deal as Storage Wars, but this is for those of you that cooked a fancy dinner, or want to be able to cook one someday.

I want to watch a marathon of my favorite series.

Doctor Who (BBC, Marathon begins at 8 AM) Perfect for an extended viewing.

The Walking Dead (AMC, Marathon begins at 9 AM) Spoiler alert – there’s been a zombie apocalypse and everyone dies. 

My team is playing.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M (ESPN, 8 PM) Are we all still boycotting Chick-Fil-A? I can’t even remember.

College Basketball: Memphis at South Florida (ESPN2, 7 PM), Connecticut at Houston (ESPN2, 9 PM) If you went to one of those four colleges, you might be interested.

Hmm, I think I’d rather watch a movie.

I want something topical.

New Year’s Eve (Cinemax, 10 PM) Just no. No. This is the worst of the string of ensemble movies that began with Love Actually. Pass.

I’ve got kids.

Up (Disney, 8:30 PM) I don’t have kids (and neither did that old man) but I’m still probably going to watch this.

Immediately followed by Wall-E (Disney, 10:30 PM) The Disney Channel is offering two awesome animated movies. This is my number one pick.

I definitely don’t have kids. It’s a good thing, because I think I’m about to get the munchies.

Half Baked (IFC, 8 PM) Did you just order three pizzas for two people? Yeah, this is what you’re going to want to watch.

Immediately followed by Trapped in a Closet, Episodes 1-33 (IFC, 10 PM) Read the article in The Village Voice about R. Kelly first, and then decide if you can ethically support this showing. I take back what I said about New Year’s Eve. Watch that instead.

This is the year I’m actually going to keep my resolutions.

Eat, Pray, Love (TVGN, 9 PM) Are you looking to change your life? This is the movie that will inspire you to go and live your dreams, if you’re a privileged white woman.

Actually, you know what? This probably isn’t my year.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, Marathon starts at 4 PM) If you’ve given up on changing anything in 2014, well, this is for you.

Image via Flickr