Though the first episode of The Real World: Ex-Plosion aired last night, the real drama won’t begin for another month: the seven roommates will be ambushed by the arrival of their exes to their San Francisco house. But I’d argue that the 29th season of MTV’s longest-running series has plenty going for it as is, thanks to its impressively bonkers cast. In the premiere alone, two people already managed to achieve the dubious honor of both 1. accidentally exposing their genitals to the camera and 2. cheating on their supposedly exclusive significant others. (Nice hustle, Ashley and Jenny.)
Arielle (24, Oakland)
A model who hates to model. (“Can you tell? I hate it.”) She does, however, enjoy vaginas. Choice quote: [To a drunk, flirty Thomas] “Dude, I like pussy.”
Jay (26, The Bronx)
Jay is what would happen if somebody took all the scraps leftover from making every guy on Jersey Shore and sloppily mushed them into human form. Choice quote: “I live in an all-Italian neighborhood. I’ve never really interacted with a black girl enough to be able to get up and touch the hair.”
Cory (22, Los Angeles)
He isn’t wearing a shirt for much of the episode and I know nothing else about him because, again, he isn’t wearing a shirt for much of the episode. Needless to say, Cory is my favorite roommate.
Thomas (21, Fort Worth)
Thomas, whose twin is somehow even more dead-eyed than he is, insists he’s “not a snobby rich kid,” which is of course Snobby Rich Kid code for “Hello, I am a snobby rich kid.” Choice quote: “I don’t drink dark liquor.”
Jaime (22, Houston)
An elaborately tattooed bartender. Her ex is in a band called Asking Alexandria, which, I don’t even care.
Jenny (23, Los Angeles)
A Kansas City native with a “wild side” and hypnotically shiny (yes, shiny) breasts. I am a heterosexual woman and I cannot look away. What manner of witchcraft is this? Choice quote: “I wanna travel the world. I wanna see everything. I wanna maybe adopt an Ethiopian child.”
Ashley (23, San Francisco)
Ashley, a “spoiled” West Virginia transplant, offers this inscrutable toast: “Here’s to all the guys we screw, I hope they love us, I hope they hate us, I hope they never want to fucking date us.” Okay. Choice quote: [On the phone, drunk, to her grandfather] “I just wanna crawl up in your belly and go home.”
Watch the Real World season premiere online on MTV.com.