TV is My Boyfriend (But We’re in an Open Relationship)

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When I was in college, one roommate — who was three wisdom-filled years older than me — advised me that if I spent less time watching television, I’d have “like a million boyfriends.” I suppose that was a compliment, stemming from the notion that the only thing standing between myself and world domination via polygamous relationship was the last DVD of Veronica Mars Season 2 that I’d practically ripped from the postal worker’s hand when he delivered it. Although I refused to change my behavior (I really needed to find out whether or not Steve Gutenberg caused that bus crash), my college roomie’s words have haunted me any time I’ve found myself suctioned to my television.

But now that I’m older, I understand that my roommate was wrong. TV wasn’t the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend. TV was my boyfriend. Now, before this gets out of hand, let’s all accept the notion that this is an adorable, Liz Lemon-esque quality that gives me the knowledge to regale groups of people at parties with incisive commentary on the Breaking Bad series finale or a passionate defense of Lena Dunham and Girls. (All right, and the occasional cooing session over Game of Thrones’ Jon Snow.) But that’s because although relationships have come and gone, television and its many, many stories have always been at the ready whenever I’ve needed it.

TV Is Always Your Type


The thing about a really fantastic television show is that it can take all your preconceived notions of a romantic partner and turn them on their heads. While I tend to go for the artsier, plaid-prone sort in real life, on television pretty boys, scoundrels, ad men, meth cooks, philandering presidents, and perfectly polished lawyers (and disgraced lawyers attending community college are all suddenly “my type.” Sure, one guy wears sweatshirts that look like they were stolen from Andre the Giant’s hip-hop alter ego and he’s occasionally hooked on meth, but Jesse Pinkman is wonderful deep down. Yeah, Jon Snow is about a foot shorter than me (that calculation may be an exaggeration), but he’s got a heart the size of a White Walker, so we’re square. And who cares that Archer is a cartoon with severely worrisome mommy issues? That dude is a babe.

TV Always Knows When To Just Shut Up and Let You Space Out


When you’ve had the sort of work day that fries brain cells like those delicious onions everyone puts on top of Thanksgiving casseroles, you want to come home and turn your brain off for a bit, but that doesn’t mean you want to be alone. Television is always there with an episode of The League or a Comedy Central game show about Twitter, where your only job is to pay enough attention to giggle on occasion. And it’s perfect.

TV Will Never Make You Eat Dinner Alone (or Drink Alone, For That Matter)


The best part about sharing dinner with TV, of course, is never having to share your French fries. (And not having to withstand judgment when your “one glass of after-work wine” turns into one-and-a-half and a beer left over from your last Walking Dead viewing party.)

TV Can Cook


TV can teach you everything there is to know about food you might learn how to cook someday if you get your dream house with a side garden like the Barefoot Contessa…or the sort-of-similar food you’ll order from Seamless after the first hour of tortuous teasing. Close enough.

TV Never Gets Jealous


Say you’ve spent a lot of time with television this week, and you’re really looking forward to reading a great book before bed (or any time that’s not in-transit, where TV is not available) or you decide that the newspaper is a worthy source of news aside from Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart. TV will not question these inklings to explore other territory. It will simply sit and wait until you return to its comfy grasp, as it knows you always will. That means zero fights that wake the neighbors at 2 a.m. You’re welcome, apartment 3A.

TV Doesn’t Care What You Wear


You could literally wear the ugliest, most unflattering flannel pajamas and wool socks known to man, and TV would never desert you. (Even if it should, because those Mickey Mouse-print leggings are a clear sign of insanity.)

TV Never Cancels on You


It happens on occasion. Inclement weather, last-minute emergencies, and general winter laziness forces friends (and boyfriends) to postpone plans on occasion, leaving you to your own, frustrated devices. TV, on the other hand, will never cancel on you, firstly because it’s plugged into the wall and is an inanimate object. Secondly, because even when your DVR screws up and records some ridiculous E! reality show about a “celebrity” you never knew existed instead of Scandal, you’ve got a million channels, plus on-demand, Netflix, and whatever’s on the Food Network at any given point of the day to sustain you.

TV Makes For a Great Threesome


Of course, the only thing better than falling in love with TV show after TV show, is falling in love with a new show with a certain someone who puts his or her arm around you, gingerly brushes errant tresses out of your eyes, and understands that if they talk over one line of Daenerys’ dialog during Game of Thrones, you will kick their ass out in the cold faster than Don Draper can pour himself an inappropriately-timed cocktail.

Kelsea is a blogger and journalist living, writing, and dating in Brooklyn. Find her on Twitter @KelseaStahler.