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Your Field Guide to the Native Species of Bravo’s ‘Online Dating Rituals of the American Male’

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Alex Stein

Bravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male premiered last night, and — like any reality TV worth watching — it was both horrifying and delightful. This show profiles two eligible bachelors a week, following them through the good, the bad, and the sexy of meeting potentially murder-y strangers from the Internet. Here’s who you need to know.

The guys

Marcus, 36 (thefitartist)

Marcus

Marcus has gone through a divorce, and now he’s ready to find lasting love. Though he insists he likes demure, natural-looking ladies in modest outfits, he sure likes clicking on profile pictures that prominently feature boobs. He’s respectful and funny, not to mention kind of insanely hot. In short, Marcus is probably too good for all of us.

Personality: 7.5
Looks: 9
Choice Quote: “She’s got an Associates Degree. I like that.”

Alex, 27 (PrimeTime99)

Alex

When I try to erase my brain of everything that he’s ever said, I can acknowledge that Alex — who used to weigh 275 pounds — is pretty cute. But the reality TV veteran is like a pervy cartoon character, or a poorly constructed robot whose prime directive is “getting laaaaaaid.” An “assman” with “a thing for big boobs,” he describes his penis as a “salami… smooth, long, and tasty,” ruining both penises and salami for me forever. Over the course of an hour, we see him shirtless more times than is objectively necessary. His seal-the-deal move is to aggressively grab his dates’ butts, to their near-universal horror.

Personality: 2
Looks: 6.5
Choice Quote: “I hate condoms.”

Wil

Wil

Marcus’ friend and business partner. We learn virtually nothing about him, but he’s attractive, so, here you go.

The girls

Jenavieve (JJPerl) — Alex’s date

Jenavieve

It could be the wine talking, but this “baby BBW” (quoth Alex, obviously) seems to sincerely enjoy his company. Fortunately, she ditches him once he gropes her in the parking lot.

Miche’lle (Bobby_The_Young_And_Humble) — Marcus’ date

Miche'lle

Miche’lle is quite a talker, but I’m pretty sure she’s more charming than the editing would have you believe. That said, she does relay a troubling story about meeting a pimp on an online dating site — she fell asleep on his couch, only to be awoken by strippers practicing their choreography? Okay. There will not be a second date.

Ally — Marcus’ business partner

Ally

If this were a romcom, Marcus and Ally would end up together. This beautiful British woman is clearly in love with him — because, come on, it’s Marcus — as evidenced by the way she teases him about his goofy texts from Chloe.

Stephanie (CharismaticAussie) — Alex’s date

Stephanie

Stephanie is an Australian psychologist. She spends about 10 minutes eating ice cream with Alex before rightly declaring him a wanker.

Rita (RMGarabe) — Alex’s date

Rita

Rita is onscreen for about 40 seconds. She and Alex go dancing and he slaps her ass, to her great displeasure.

Natalie (TXNYCLA) — Alex’s date

Natalie

Alex and Natalie — who has, he notes, gained some weight since her profile photos were taken — meet at a nail salon and talk about how she goes to church every day. It is not a love connection.

Chloe (ChloeRoxann) — Marcus’ date

Chloe

Marcus makes a date with Chloe despite the fact that they’re only 10% compatible, prooooobably because she is gorgeous. Added bonus: she is also sane and nice. Chloe and Marcus = Chlarcus?! Never mind, that sounds disgusting.

Courtney (wineandtequila) — Alex’s date

Courtney

Courtney sounds pretty out there, inviting Alex to a drum circle because she’s only interested in experiences “outside the typical Western societal realm.” Then again, she stands him up, so she’s definitely got a good head on her shoulders.

Mysterious drum circle woman — Alex’s (sort of) date

Drum circle lady

Alex doesn’t let Courtney’s absence bring him down, gamely hitting on this lady (who kinda has a Sloane from Ferris Bueller thing going on, am I right?) instead. “You’re definitely the hottest babe in the circle,” he tells her.

Mindy (Moxiecali) — Marcus’ date

Mindy

Here’s a short list of topics that Mindy brings up during her brief dinner date with Marcus: how she’s on her period, balls, how she ate Funyuns and chocolate milk for breakfast, poop, how she prefers cats to children, and balls. She may be clinically insane, but if she founded a cult, I would probably join it.

Amita (ModelG1rl11) — Alex’s date

Amita

Now this is a “high class babe.” Amita’s favorite sport is football and she likes to party — if you weren’t already convinced that she was Alex’s feminine ideal, consider that she actually enjoyed his inevitable assault on her butt.

The results

And they all lived happily ever after: Chloe and Marcus happily snuggle on his couch, while Amita and Alex giddily snog on the sidewalk.

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. EST. For more, visit Bravotv.com, where I’ll be sharing commentary on each episode.