“How about we… form a permanent psychic rapport then give each other telekinetic back rubs?”
Here we have the Top 5 Superheroines that you should consider dating.
Powers: Superhuman Senses
If the whole “Joan Jett with an eye patch” thing alone doesn’t do it for you (and I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t) try ultra-enhanced senses. You can be the clumsiest, most inexperienced lover this side of your junior varsity basketball team, and she’s going to get off before you do every time. Worried that her amped up sense of smell will make your gross, filthy apartment unbearable for her to spend more than five minutes in? Get this. Calisto was the leader of the Morlocks, a group of rogue mutants who lived in the NYC sewers for several years. She’s intensely low-maintenance and she’s got the illest knife fighting skills since this lady. Don’t blow this one.
Powers: Super Strength and Invulnerability
Want to prove once and for all that you’re not intimidated by strong, intelligent women AND fulfill your lifelong fantasy of making it with a green chick, Captain-Kirk-style, at the same time? Jennifer Walters AKA She-Hulk is the date for you. This buxom jade enchantress stands between 6’7″ and 7’2″ (an issue of much fan-boy debate), but she`s more than enough woman to keep you occupied for awhile, in either case. She-Hulk’s also a successful lawyer with a penchant for pro-bono civil rights stuff. Her shit’s together, her heart’s in the right place and she’s got flowing green locks that you’d kill to run your fingers through if you could only reach that high (no “carpet/drapes” jokes, please). Did I mention that she’s been a card-carrying member of the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four? Girl is hooked up. If you got a speeding ticket while traveling through a wormhole to an alternate reality, she can probably get you out of it. Things to keep in mind: She-Hulk once put Hercules through a wall with one punch and that dude’s a Greek God, so, you know, don’t be a schmuck. Waiting more than three days to text is likely to get you more than three days in a hospital.
Powers: Shape Shifting, Vocal Mimicry
Raven Darkholme AKA Mystique, used to be one of the bad guys, then she was a double-agent and now, apparently, she’s on our side. Point being, she may not be the most trustworthy choice for long-term dating. That doesn’t mean, however, that y’all can’t have a great time while it lasts. Mystique’s already a blue-skinned, redheaded stone fox, but if that’s not enough for you (you greedy bastard!) she can assume the form of ANY LIVING BEING. “Honey, I thought maybe we could try something new tonight. How about you tie me up and… change into Lucy Liu?” Mystique will DO that shit. She’s into that.
# 2 Promethea
Powers: Um…she’s a Goddess or something.
Alan Moore’s neo-mythological creation is one of the best short-term dating prospects in comics history. In her human form, she’s a totally cute liberal arts major who’s into all the geeky stuff you’re into. When she puts pen to paper and scrawls out some of her actually-half-way-decent-
poetry, however, she becomes Promethea, the ancient ambassador to the Immateria- the realm of the imagination! “Uh…what?” Doesn’t matter. Here’s the deal: Promethea’s into crazy tantric sex and will rock your world on a physical and spiritual level. She already loves you because, to her, you are a facet of the beautiful expression of all that is, was and ever will be. So, no reason to act like anything but the total D-bag you really are. Why short-term? She’s destined to bring about the end of the world. In kind of a good way, though.
#1 Emma Frost-
Powers- Telepathy and the ability to make her skin diamond-hard at will
If insanely powerful telepaths turn you on, Emma Frost is the only choice. Yeah, I know you’re what you’re going to say: “What about Jean Grey, dude?!” I get that. I’ve been in love with Jean Grey since I was six. I get it on a deep level. However, maturity has opened my eyes to the fact that dating Jean Grey is really more of a pain in the ass than it’s worth. If she’s not possessed by an ancient evil, she’s either dead or a clone of herself. You think it doesn’t get old? Just ask Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, who started cheating on Jean, psychically, with Emma Frost some time around Jean’s 4th resurrection. You heard right: Psychic Sex. It’s Emma’s specialty. Think of your least favorite thing to do (balancing your checkbook, cleaning your roommate’s hair out of the shower drain, etc.). Now imagine that you could simply go through the motions of this deplorable activity, while, in your mind, you’re having THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE with a smoking hot British chick. She’s not just your run-of-the-mill psych-strumpet, either. Once, she was rich, powerful and, yeah, EVIL, but she rejected it all for a life as a school teacher. Now, that takes character! A woman of breeding, Emma manages, incredibly, to come off as super-classy while wearing white leather bondage gear 24/7. Throw a delightfully sharp wit into this already brain-boner inducing mix and you’ve got the Most Dateable Superheroine in the History of the Universe. Let’s recap: psychic sex, British, formerly evil, white leather bondage gear, AND a sense of humor. You could always stick with your precious Jean Grey, though. Up to you.
Your favorite super-fantasy not make the list? Tell us who and why.