It is an uphill battle for 23-year-old oil spill cleaner-upper Matt Hicks, this business of impersonating Prince Harry on television to seduce nice American ladies. “I’m hoping that I can be myself and I don’t have to put on too much for show,” he confesses to the camera, and yet he must put on a show. He must put on a show because this is television, and television is a medium made up of shows. Literally, that is what we call them. But 23-year-old oil spill cleaner-upper Matt Hicks is no stranger to adversity. Just think of the oil spills. He will overcome. He will persevere.
This week’s episode begins at 6am, when Kimberly — one of the 10 girls still in the running to win the not-royal hand of not-prince not-Harry — is awoken by not-security guards to prepare for her date with Not Harry. It has been a hard knock life for Kimberly, explains Kimberly, but now Kimberly is living her fairy tale. Last week, Kimberly was “elevated” to the Crown Suite, where fairy tales begin. Now, preparing for her private hot air balloon date with Not Harry, her fairy tale continues. “I’ve never seen a hot air balloon before,” she gasps. “It’s like a unicorn to me.” Life has not been kind to Kimberly. She has never been on a picnic. She has never seen a picnic. The picnic, Kimberly says, is “by far the nicest thing a guy has ever done, to go out of his way for me.” Oh, Kimberly, I hope this is your fairy tale! I wish you all the picnics!
Back at the estate, Carley is telling the camera that she is not like all the other girls, because “the fact that I’m intelligent sets me apart.” Carley is “pursing her educating in cell and molecular biology.” This is confusing, because being smarter than the other girls is also Karina’s narrative, and Karina, like Carley, is blonde. Does Carley know this, I wonder? But there is no time to dwell: Kimberly and Not Harry have returned from their picnic, just in time for
Carson Kingsley to announce that “Sir” would like to invite Maggie, Jacqueline, and Kelley on a boating trip. This will help him figure out if they have personalities, and also what they look like in bikinis.
“This is just like The Notebook!” Kelley exclaims. Kelley loves The Notebook. “It’s like the ultimate romance love story, because the girl ends up with Prince Charming.” Kelley knows that Matt is Prince Harry with a certainty I have never felt about anything in my life. Meanwhile, Matt is feeling very certain that he should have learned how to row. He is very bad at rowing. The real Harry, presumably, is very good at rowing. Perhaps Matt should have studied more, like Carley. After Kelley tries to do a backflip off of the boat and hits her head — “it’s my time,” she says, before diving in, “I gotta go for it” — it is time for the second picnic of the day, which is good, because while Matt is “a sucker” for a picnic, he tells the girls, over the picnic, he is not a sucker for propelling a boat forward. Despite this, Kelley is certain that Not Harry is Harry, and that she will star in her own “story book fairy tale,” The Notebook. Maggie agrees, noting that they have the same hair color. “Holy cow, I think I’m dating Prince Harry,” says Karina, from the estate. Karina studied in Spain.
Kingsley, meanwhile, announces that there is going to be a “pool party.” Kingsley has never uttered the words “pool party” before. He is not sure about these “pool parties” himself; perhaps the “pool party” is an American tradition. Either way, it is welcome news for all the girls, and gives Kelley, Maggie, and Jacqueline another chance to wear the swimsuits that they were already wearing. Carley used to DJ, she tells Not Harry, when she was not pursuing her education in cell and molecular biology. Will she spin now? Yes, she will spin now. “I’m not a person who likes to be the center of attention,” she muses shyly, before attacking the turn tables in a bikini on a FOX reality television program(me). This impresses Not Harry, but not so much that he does not retreat to the hot tub to make out with Meghan. He also takes Karina to the hot tub, but they do not make out. Karina is like Carley: she is not like the other girls.
“You fucking just kissed the guy I like,” Maggie yells to Meghan while slowly pounding her own forehead. “Is anyone else having a hard time with this?” I admire Maggie’s authenticity. I admire Maggie’s tolerance for alcohol. I hope Matt, who has retreated with Kingsley to the study for Girl Talk, appreciates these things. I worry he does not. He does not. Her name does not come up in their discussion. This week, it will be between Carley and Karina. He takes Carley to the library, where presumably she will be most comfortable. He takes Karina to the patio.
“This is a very nerve-wracking experience!,” laments Maggie from the dining room, her head in her hands. And yet somehow, we endure. We all endure, even Carley, who is unceremoniously eliminated in the library, while Karina and her eyebrows are “elevated” to the Crown Suite. It’s okay, though, Carley explains, like a cyborg. Perhaps that is why Carley is not like the other girls, because she is actually a cyborg.
Karina, however, is not a cyborg: that has been the difference this whole time. Karina is a glowing Disney Princess. She is such a glowing Disney Princess that Meghan is worried — in Meghan’s expert opinion, Karina is “princess material.” Chelsea agrees. Chelsea might become a character soon. Certainly, she hopes so. “I really wanna step my game up,” she says, determination glowing in her eyes, “I want a man. I want a Prince Charming, period.”