Sorry, Ladies, Fake Mustaches Aren’t Gonna Get You Many Dates

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There’s a very wack trend amongst young human women where they think it’s cute and funny to pose for pictures while wearing fake mustaches. There’s a Tumblr documenting this trend on Tinder, where every third girl, if she’s not posing with an African child, is making a pouty face underneath a big, bushy, pasted-on handlebar mustache. And it’s not just girls at the bar, either, it’s Olympians, too: Eva Samkova, a Czech snowboarder, had a mustache painted on her face as she won the gold medal for snowboard cross in Sochi last week. “I wanted to have fun,” she said. Because winning a gold medal in the Olympics isn’t fun without a mustache. There’s the weedstache, which if rocked requires the wearer to #hashtag #everything and end every sentence with “tho.” And most insidiously, there’s the finger mustache tattoo.

The fake mustache is a forced, phony attempt to convey a fun personality. We already have one Zooey Deschanel, and she’s plenty. Any other girl doesn’t need to be so cutesy and quirky, unless she is cutesy and quirky, in which case she already knows that wearing a fake mustache is played out. That’s why she’s cute and quirky. She’s original. For the rest of girls on Tinder or at a party or trying to signify that they’re having a great time, the joke isn’t funny anymore. A mustache, like a man would have. Get it? We get it. Besides, dudes don’t like it when girls have mustaches, so it’s not a good Tinder strategy. Here are ways for girls to convey quirkiness on Tinder without getting swiped right:

Be cool. Lose the ‘stache. Everyone wins. Especially guys like me who love a quirky girl who finds an original way to display originality.