Food for Thought

As a Woman, I Officially Choose Steak and Blowjob Day Over Valentine’s Day

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Steak

Today, March 14, marks exactly one month since Valentine’s Day. It’s Pi Day. It’s Billy Crystal’s birthday. It’s also Steak and Blowjob Day. In case you haven’t heard of it, here’s how the esteemed lexicographers at Urban Dictionary explain this observance.

The idea is simple: no cards, flowers, candy or other whimsical gifts. Ladies (and gay men), you simply bestow your partner with a steak and a blowjob. Not necessarily in that order.

This “holiday for men” operates on the premise that, because Valentine’s Day is a “holiday for women,” it’s only fair to reciprocate. Steak and Blowjob Day, invented by a Boston radio host named Tom Birdsey in 2002, has nearly 90,000 likes on Facebook. (As anyone in a loving relationship knows, the best way to cajole oral sex and a home-cooked meal out of your significant other is by telling him or her that he or she has to because some guy in Massachusetts says so.) There is even, somehow, official Steak and Blowjob Day merch, which — why? Who would buy this? Who would wear this? Who could stare at this directly without sustaining permanent damage to the optic nerve?

Steak and Blowjob T-shirt

Many are, understandably, offended by Steak and Blowjob Day. I’m not offended, exactly — I’m a woman, but I understand the appeal of steaks and blowjobs as much as the next guy (and I do mean “guy”). In fact, I understand the appeal so well that I’m calling bullshit on all of you. This is not separate but equal. This is separate but totally unfair.

Steak and BJ Day perpetuates a dusty, outdated gender binary. In the empirical hierarchy of holidays, Valentine’s Day is barely one tier above Arbor Day. Whether you’re packing ovaries or testicles, shit is irredeemably lame. That said, I will never — never, under any circumstances — turn down red meat and cunnilingus, and certainly not in exchange for chalky drugstore chocolates and a Hallmark card. Dudes, all you had to do was wander into Walgreen’s during business hours with a $5 bill in your pocket (which, by the way, I did for you, too), and now I’m expected to sear, roast, and butter-baste a ribeye? And cook you a steak? I feel like Tom Sawyer is trying to persuade me to whitewash his fence. The least he could do is whitewash mine in return.

I’d like to suggest an alternative holiday. Give people you like blowjobs whenever you want to give those people blowjobs. Eat steaks, because they are delicious. Forget March 14: everyone (everyone!) should observe Steak and BJ Day every day, or however often their cardiologists recommend.