Valentine's Day

Our Newest Hero Peed on a Valentine’s Candy Display in a Walgreens

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Public Urination Sign

Cathartic release is essential to emotional wellness. Urination is a key component of healthy digestion. Who says the two can’t go together? Not this Valentine’s Day maverick.

On January 19th, Cerardo Lopez from the Chicago neighborhood wonderfully known as Little Village went into a Walgreens and peed on “several miscellaneous packaged candy items” in a Valentine’s Day candy display. This may seem heinous enough to the average drugstore customer but the real linchpin seems to be that Lopez did this in “an unreasonable manner.” Is there a reasonable way to piss on something in public?

No one’s here to argue that at some point in their lives, everyone hasn’t wanted to drop some golden arches (or waterfalls for you ladies) on Valentine’s candy. It’s stale, expensive, and inherently counter-intuitive. Most people are capable of ignoring these blatant transgressions. Lopez on the other hand, decided to act in a sophisticated three-phase plot.

  1. A true gentlemen, Lopez went outside of his neighborhood to pee on said candy. Whether he was being courteous to his neighbors or expanding his marked territory is another question entirely but, at least he didn’t piss where he eats.
  2. According to court records, Lopez “knowingly and intentionally lowered his pants/underwear to his ankles…” This wasn’t some unfortunate “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” incident. This was Potty Training 101. Who’s a big boy now, Walgreens?
  3. He caused between $300 and $10,000 of damage. That’s right, Lopez. Hit ’em where it hurts. But what candy costs $10,000? Those gold-plated NECCO hearts?

Sadly, like a great many pioneers, Lopez’s efforts and “forward” thoughts have not been appreciated by all. He’s currently being held in lieu of bail. Stay strong, Lopez, and let’s get #FreeGerardo trending.