10 Things I Want At My Gay Wedding

Pin it
Brad and Angelina will reportedly have Kate and William, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, in attendance at their wedding. Matthew McConaughey and his new bride Camila Alves kept things confidential and whispered their vows in each other’s ears. If Bachelorette Emily and her new betrothed ever get married (I’m not holding my breath), I imagine they’ll include Emily’s daughter Ricki into the ceremony. But my wedding will have one thing all of these celebrity soirees won’t have: two dudes standing at the alter. With all this wedding mania in the air (and on E! News), I’ve begun pondering all of the things I consider must-haves at my, or any, gay wedding.

1. Non-Matching Tuxes

I realize that some guys would want to visually represent how their two-lives-will-become-one with matching altar-wear, but your wedding is not Twins Day at Six Flags, ok?

2. Name Brand Libation

I don’t want any of this house liquor nonsense at my wedding. This is not your local dive bar, it’s my wedding. And at my wedding I’m drinking Makers Mark, not Milburn. Also, let’s be honest, gay people love to drink.

Plus: What Your Liquor Cabinet Says About You To A Date

3. A First-Dance Song Under 5 Minutes Long

Everyone has been to that wedding where the newlyweds awkwardly dance through 10 minutes of a bad nineties ballad, and I’m just having none of that. Plus two grown men embracing and swaying back and forth is unseemly enough—let’s not subject the guests to too much of this.

Plus: 6 Date Ideas For Music Lovers (Other Than Concerts)

4. A Reality TV Star Guest (Preferably A “Real Housewife”)

Every gay wedding needs at least one sensational guest, and who better to get the party started than Princess Carol from The Real Housewives of New York or Nene Leakes from The Real Housewives of Atlanta?

5. No “Chicken Dance”

Same goes for the “YMCA” and any group line dancing. This wedding is going to be gay enough with all the man-on-man romancing.[Editor's note: I'm going to you're wedding, and I will DEMAND the chicken dance.]

Plus: Ovulating Women Look Hotter On The Dance Floor, Says Science

6. Rainbow Colored Table Cloths

Kidding, but can you imagine?

7. This:

8. A Seat Saved For Governor Andrew Cuomo

Let’s give a shout-out to the man who facilitated the legalization of gay marriage in New York. Holler!

9. Some Good Looking Wait Staff

Sure the food is important, but no one ever thinks of the people who bring the food to the guests. Plus the cater-waiter uniform is overdone. Who says servers need shirts?

Plus: 5 Ways You Know Your Gym Is Gay

10. Fabulous Favors

I don’t anticipate having an overly extravagant wedding, but one place I don’t want to skimp on is the guest favors. Step aside Jordan Almonds, I’m passing out giant cookies with my face on it tied to tiny champagne bottles that play “It’s Raining Men” when you open it.