1. Non-Matching Tuxes
I realize that some guys would want to visually represent how their two-lives-will-become-one with matching altar-wear, but your wedding is not Twins Day at Six Flags, ok?
2. Name Brand Libation
I don’t want any of this house liquor nonsense at my wedding. This is not your local dive bar, it’s my wedding. And at my wedding I’m drinking Makers Mark, not Milburn. Also, let’s be honest, gay people love to drink.
3. A First-Dance Song Under 5 Minutes Long
Everyone has been to that wedding where the newlyweds awkwardly dance through 10 minutes of a bad nineties ballad, and I’m just having none of that. Plus two grown men embracing and swaying back and forth is unseemly enough—let’s not subject the guests to too much of this.
4. A Reality TV Star Guest (Preferably A “Real Housewife”)
Every gay wedding needs at least one sensational guest, and who better to get the party started than Princess Carol from The Real Housewives of New York or Nene Leakes from The Real Housewives of Atlanta?
5. No “Chicken Dance”
Same goes for the “YMCA” and any group line dancing. This wedding is going to be gay enough with all the man-on-man romancing.[Editor's note: I'm going to you're wedding, and I will DEMAND the chicken dance.]
6. Rainbow Colored Table Cloths
Kidding, but can you imagine?
8. A Seat Saved For Governor Andrew Cuomo
Let’s give a shout-out to the man who facilitated the legalization of gay marriage in New York. Holler!
9. Some Good Looking Wait Staff
Sure the food is important, but no one ever thinks of the people who bring the food to the guests. Plus the cater-waiter uniform is overdone. Who says servers need shirts?
10. Fabulous Favors
I don’t anticipate having an overly extravagant wedding, but one place I don’t want to skimp on is the guest favors. Step aside Jordan Almonds, I’m passing out giant cookies with my face on it tied to tiny champagne bottles that play “It’s Raining Men” when you open it.