Slate recently published an article about the large discrepancy between our modern, 21st century values as women and the outdated traditions we still cling to when it comes time to get married. For example, does it really make sense anymore that we expect the man to pay for our ring, even if we’re the bread winner? Do we really need to wear a virgin-white dress when, first of all, white dresses are spill-magnets, and also, come on, we’re not fooling anybody. Do we want to be given away by our fathers, like cattle being handed from one farmer to the other?
There was a time when these traditions fell in line with the zeitgeist, but clearly that time has passed. Maybe it’s time for some new wedding traditions, ones that symbolize what these nuptials mean for us in 2013.
The ceremonial passing down of the mason jar.
Mason jars are the new wedding china, baby! These sturdy, laid back little jars are so versatile they’re basically the only wedding décor you need! Here’s one article that suggests 400 plus ways to use your mason jars, but I suspect the lazy author only covered a fraction of their potential. Have your guests sit on giant mason jars at tables adorned with bouquets in mason jars while sipping their drinks out of mason jars with lids and straws, where they can later enjoy a dessert served in a mason jar, in addition to the wedding cake which had a mason jar cake topper! I forsee a new tradition where the mother of the bride passes down the mason jars that she used at her wedding to her daughter, and so on for generations to come.
Replace the bridal shower with a viral potentiality strategy meeting.
Traditionally a bridal shower is just a party to get money and presents out of your parents’ rich friends. Nowadays it’s just an event that pisses your friends off because it’s a second thing they have to buy you presents for. Instead, have a cute little brunch meeting with your entire wedding party to strategize about the viral portion of your wedding – will it be a choreographed dance down the aisle to an R&B song? Will it be a photo set where it looks like dinosaurs are attacking your wedding party? Can someone’s two year-old son or daughter be coached into doing a really cute dance by themselves at the party? Whatever you decide, it’s gotta be good. Because if your wedding doesn’t go viral, it’s like it didn’t happen.
The couple’s first photobooth photo.
Ditch the ceremonial cutting of the wedding cake – we’re all too full to eat your $2,500 cake anyway. Besides, watching you mash cake into each other’s faces is dated and boring. Instead, let’s all gather and watch as the bride and groom don fake mustaches and take their first series of photobooth snaps together as a man and wife. May this strip of four photos be the first of many to cover your shared refrigerator.
Your most important accessory is your hashtag.
Something borrowed, something blue – who the heck even knows why we’re supposed to do any of that stuff anymore? The most important accessory on your special day is your wedding hashtag! Beautiful baubles featuring your special hashtag would make the perfect bridal necklace, cake toppers, or it’s a great way to use the 75 tiny chalkboards you bought for this special day! But it may take more than a clever hashtag to get your wedding trending on Twitter. You might have to get creative like this guy, who planned an entire #surprisewedding using ideas from his girlfriend’s Pinterest board! This guy had to really think outside of the box to get his hashtag to catch on – but boy, did it pay off!
Bridesmaids have always existed to attend to the bride, and I think this might be one tradition that still holds. But the demands of a modern bride are not the same as they once were. The modern bride now has to worry about getting her wedding upvoted on Reddit, which means everyone in the bridal party really needs to look their best. Take this enterprising bride for example, who was smart enough to enforce strict dietary limits on her bridesmaids, as well as dictate what hair cuts they should have (no bangs!), and even got her bridesmaids to take the time to get customized, bedazzled bikini bottoms because she understood fully how important a sexy yet homogeneous bridal party is to a wedding’s Internet success.