The candles are lit, the smooth jazz is on, your dog is wearing that raspberry polo you got him for Christmas and things are about to get rull sad. According to USA Today, people in the U.S. spent over $815 million on Valentine’s Day gifts for their pets last year. Here are some freaky items you can purchase for your furry little girlfriend/boyfriend:
1. Valentine’s Day “Special Occasion” Dog Dress – $23.50
For when you want your date to look real pretty. And that “date” also happens to weigh 8 lbs and has a nasty snaggle-tooth and a bad attitude.
2. Hot Doll – A “love doll” for dogs – $231
Created by, you guessed it, the French.
3. Limited Edition Sexy Beast Canine Cologne – $850
According to the website, it’s a unisex fragrance featuring a “highly addictive, classic blend of bergamot, vanilla, mandarin, and nutmeg oils” and “encrusted with genuine Swarovski crystals…because giving your dog a bone is so ’80s.” It’s also engraved with your dog’s name in case you’re so busy bathing in money that you forgot.
4. Bag of Dicks – $28
If your dog could ever stop licking his own D for one minute, he would probably enjoy these.
5. Amour, Amour – Diamond Dog Necklace – $3.2 million
Dubbed “the Bugatti of dog collars”, this 52-carat Amour, Amour is the world’s most expensive , complete with a 7-carat centerpiece, 1,600 hand-set diamonds, 18-carat white gold and crocodile leather. In other news, I would like to leave this planet earth.
6. Red Satin Dog Panties – $7
Solid proof that there is no God.
7. Dog Beer – $25.95
“Bowser Beer™ is made from filtered water, pure malt barley, and infused with dog-loving beef – without hops or alcohol. It’s low-cal, like our pretzel treats, so you can spoil without guilt.”
8. Bubbletastic Bacon Flavored Dog Bubble Machine – $19.95
Bacon-flavored bubbles? I’ll take two.
9. Bowlingual Dog Translator – $105.72
A dog-bark “emotion analyzer” device developed by Japanese toy company Takara, analyzes the tone of your pup’s bark and translates it into one of six emotional categories. If the person who purchased this had an emotion analyzer it would say “sad.”
10. Snood Hat- $18
Hold on, let me just get my credit card…